Do you have a people-pleasing personality? Have you ever been in a situation where you begin to wonder if other people’s expectations of you exceed your ability or willingness to meet? Of course you have! Silly question, unless you’re one of those superhumans who know how to say no without saying no.
BIRTH ORDER AND CAR
The thing is, there’s a limit to what you can do, right? I am of the sandwich generation, so I have young grandchildren that I babysit twice a week while my daughter teaches, and parents with various health issues who also require some level of support. In addition, I share work with my husband – that’s how we make a living – and I write.
When I went down with ‘Female Flu’ a couple of weeks ago (much worse than the Man Flu variety, because you have to move on) I managed to keep most of the balls in the air, but some just had to be dropped. . So when I found myself expecting him to take on a family commitment over the weekend when it might otherwise have given me some time to recharge my batteries, I wasn’t exactly thrilled. I know some people know how to say no without saying no. I’m just not one of them. Plus, I’m in that unenviable position of being the firstborn.
POSITION OF BROTHERS
According to the Wikipedia website, one of the first people to suggest that birth order has an effect on personality was an Austrian psychiatrist, Alfred Adler. A contemporary of Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, he argued that the way each of us approaches the main aspects of life (friendship, love, and work) is greatly influenced by our birth order in the family.
Now I know that there are those who passionately believe in first child syndrome and others who feel there is nothing to it. Advocates identify the following traits in the eldest son of a family, saying they are:
- high achievers
- good leaders
- conscientious
- self sufficient
- perfectionists
- eager to please
- They have high expectations of themselves
- Feel responsible for the welfare and harmony of the family.
- Low self-esteem (because they cannot meet expectations)
- Sensitive and in need of constant security
People-pleasing?
Do you, if you are a firstborn son, adhere to those characteristics? Do you, for example, have a people-pleasing personality? Do you have high expectations of yourself? Do you constantly need reassurance that you are doing what is expected of you?
In my opinion, there are arguments for and against. The gap between the brothers must play apart, right? If the eldest is at school, or he has left home before the next one arrives, what then? The oldest would have been an only child before reaching school age and, in effect, he would continue in that line. What if there is a different mix of genres? Let’s say a girl followed by several guys. Or vice versa: a couple of girls followed by a single guy? I can’t believe that the same principles apply to all scenarios.
ARE ALL OLDER CHILDREN HIGH ACHIEVING?
It seems to be widely accepted that the first baby born into a family will grow up with a tendency to be analytical, methodical, and high achievers. Whether all firstborns adhere to these attributes is debatable, especially since as a firstborn myself, I display none of these traits. Creative, naturally flexible, and spontaneous (although I have disciplined myself to be tidy where it would otherwise cause me complaints) my only achievement was a No. 4 bestseller, and that caught me by surprise! The familyrapp website continues, with the following statement this kid values control and once again this is the complete opposite of my personality. Maybe there’s something my parents aren’t telling me, and I’m not really the oldest child in our family?
RESPONSIBLE I certainly have never had any desire to be a leader of anything! As an author, my interests and activities are those of an introvert. However, I could be described as self-sufficient, conscientious, perfectionist, and with high expectations of myself, especially when it comes to feeling responsible for the well-being and harmony of my family. The plaster mentality is probably true of many women. For me it’s, well, kind of attached to my personality. If someone is hurt or in need, I guess I see myself as the one who has to tend and cover the hurt!
That’s why it’s so hard for me to say no and mean no. It doesn’t live up to people’s expectations of me, you see. Neither, of course, mine.
UNDERSTANDING SIBLING RIVALRY
I suspect that the whole eldest son syndrome is actually a result of how firstborns are treated in the family and what is expected of them. ‘Now be a good boy/girl and take care of your little brother/sister’ is the usual mantra. My parents told me (on the one occasion that I tried to defend something that I thought was against what they were asking me to do) that my acquiescence had been taken for granted. They just never expected me to oppose them and were surprised and hurt that I did.
All of which leads me to believe that eldest son syndrome has less to do with the innate personality of the firstborn and more to do with conditioning by parents and other adults. Perhaps if we take a look at Middle Child Syndrome next week, that will reveal more?