Trust can be the glue that helps create a strong bond in a love relationship or marriage.

It can also be the weak point around which a partner feels vulnerable, tense, angry, or disconnected.

Trust issues can arise after a betrayal such as infidelity. But they can also arise when the communication between the two people in a relationship is confusing or non-existent in some way.

Sometimes a person in a relationship has particular “rules” or beliefs and knowledge about trust that are very different from what the other person has. This discrepancy, if not stated, can create distance between two people.

Trust is a two-way street.

There needs to be a certain level of understanding about the trust rules of others. Strong trust also requires that both people in the relationship follow through on agreements, even if one has betrayed the trust and the other has not.

Jenny admits to her friends that she checks her boyfriend Paul’s private email account. She says she trusts him, but also knows that he was a “woman’s man” before they started dating.

Because Paul dated so many women and cheated on several of them, Jenny is nervous that he will cheat again. Jenny knows very well that Paul keeps in touch with some of his ex-girlfriends because she spies on his email account.

He has even read these women’s emails to make sure there is no evidence that he is trying to meet any of them. All of this spying has left Jenny feeling more insecure about Paul’s commitment to her and their relationship. He wishes he could trust him, but his continued communication with ex-girlfriends leaves him even more doubtful.

What are your trust rules?

When you think about trust in your relationship, what does that mean to you? Trust is a very complex and multifaceted word and it can mean different things to different people.

For example, you can define trust as believing what your partner says, no matter what. You don’t have to question or guess what it says, if the confidence is strong.

Or you can think of trust as something to be tested over and over again. Perhaps you are more cautious and feel like you can’t take anything for granted, even if it means you have to check what your partner says from time to time.

You and your partner don’t have to approach trust in exactly the same way, and you don’t need to maintain the same rules of trust.

What you should do is be clear about what you believe and require at this point in your life. You also need to know how they trust your partner’s opinions and then look for the places of overlap between their potentially different points of view.

One of Jenny’s close friends asks her some tough questions. The friend wonders how Jenny and Paul can learn to trust each other if Jenny feels she has to resort to spying in order to trust him. “Is this really trust?” the friend wonders. Is Jenny only deepening mistrust through her spying?

These questions make Jenny stop to think. She desperately wants this relationship with Paul to work. And she desperately wants to trust him. He had never considered that his espionage would possibly separate them more.

Jenny begins to think of her own trust rules. She would really like to get to a point where she doesn’t spy and takes what Paul says at face value.

What trust agreements can you both make and keep?

Trust can be misleading because it is an act of faith. We do not recommend that anyone take this leap without being fully aware and awake.

If there are signs that what your partner is saying doesn’t “add up” or seems consistent, then look for more evidence and ask for more information. We do not suggest spying in almost all cases. Espionage erodes trust almost as fast as infidelity does.

Create trusting agreements with your partner based on the trusting rules and beliefs that you both have. Make sure the agreements you make are ones that both of you can keep.

Even if your partner has a history of cheating, just like Paul in the previous scenario, both of you must follow the trust agreements that they make. If Jenny and Paul agree to be honest and open in their relationship, this means that Jenny cannot keep spying on him and keep the agreement.

If you fear that your partner is cheating or betraying you in any way, go back to your trust agreements. See if there is a way to preserve trust by keeping the agreements you made while also getting the information you need to address your fears.

Keep in mind that sometimes the best way to handle fear or jealousy is to check inside to see if your emotions are really linked to past experiences. Step into the present moment and trust what you know to be true rather than guesswork or guesswork.

Know that when you speak clearly and honestly about trust and everyone follows their agreements, you can rebuild trust even in the most difficult circumstances. Take the leap with your eyes and heart wide open.