Happiness is not a matter of intensity.

goal of balance, order, rhythm and harmony.

~Thomas Merton~

Lately it seems like everyone is at each other’s throats. Maybe it’s time to start reconnecting with each other. How can you know if you are in harmony with another person? Here are some signs:

• You can speak openly about a wide range of topics without needing to filter what you say or worry about being misunderstood or criticized.

• Both are on the same emotional plane.

• You understand the feelings expressed by another and he or she understands your feelings.

• They are both aware when their feelings start to go in different directions and they know enough to discuss it to avoid conflict.

People in harmony usually agree on issues. That’s one of the reasons they’re talking in the first place. Of course, no two people agree on everything. How could they? No two people have the same set of experiences on which to base their opinions. But people in harmony respect each other enough to listen, try to understand, and then accept their differences as one of the challenges in maintaining a relationship.

People in harmony often share the same or similar views on the meaning of life. If you’re headed in completely opposite directions, you’re not likely to help each other much and aren’t considered compatible. More moderate differences can be helpful to both people if they are heard and discussed.

Harmonious people help each other out, finding small course corrections that can bring their life paths together and make their interactions more productive. People in harmony generally support each other’s life goals and offer each other help when they can. People with completely different goals usually have little to offer and may be annoyed by each other’s personalities.

People in harmonious relationships find it easy to relax with each other. They don’t need to feel defensive or ready to protect themselves from physical or verbal attack. On the contrary, they anticipate kindness and understanding. They also feel validated.

They know that the way they live their lives makes sense to each other and that neither of them has to keep explaining why they think or do certain things. They feel comfortable sharing their opinions and feelings knowing that no matter what they feel or think, the other person will agree with them or at least accept their positions, perhaps asking for clarification.

Being in harmony with another person leaves you with good feelings as I just mentioned. But is there more to the story than how you feel? Fortunately, the answer is yes.

Cooperation literally means working together. Harmonious relationships go beyond shared thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams. Based on everything you experience with each other, you are in an ideal place to share and support each other’s unique creativity in approaching life.

They understand each other, they know how they think, plan and do things. You don’t waste time explaining everything you do and why you do it. You don’t worry about being told your plans are stupid. You already know that the other person respects and supports you even when your plans differ. As their relationship deepens, they find more common goals. You may have discussed how to reach them and are now in a position to search for them together.

Your expectations of others, of people in general, and of yourselves coincide. For the most part, there are no big surprises or disappointments while working together. They know each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Learn to compensate for weaknesses, learn new skills, or bring in others to complement your work together. There are no guessing or assumptions. You know you can talk directly to each other. You can do this in a spirit of cooperation, respect, and kindness.

When you come to a crossroads or fork in your journey, you can constructively negotiate to arrive at the best solution. You do this cooperatively without power struggle or conflict and agree on the best solution no matter which of you discovers it.

At the end of a shared project, you can fairly evaluate the results. If you need to go back and make changes, do it in a harmonious way without thinking of blaming anyone because you could have done a better job. Work on the revisions together until you are both satisfied.

Harmony also creates a safe zone for both of you. They know they can count on each other in a crisis or even to help with minor needs. You also know that you will not be judged by each other and that what you say will be received with love and understanding.

Life Laboratory Lessons

• How many of the people in your life are in harmony with you?

• Are you satisfied with how things are now?

• If so, thank the people with whom you are in harmony.

• If not, what can you do to make these relationships more harmonious?

• Your efforts will be contagious and will make the world a little more peaceful.

(Excerpt from my forthcoming book, From Rage and Violence to Peace and Harmony)

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