You fall in love with a man who has children. You fall in love with a woman who has children. These kids are little, then they throw you into the flow of everyday life for those kids. Quite possibly against the will of the other biological parent, themselves AND maybe even you. Custody can put pressure on the children, the birth parents, and the new marriage involved.

This is not always a fairy tale as it seems. Those children have been raised by different people. with different standards. They may have a completely different moral upbringing than you or your own children who also come into the picture.

How do you think you will be a stepfather:

It’s easy to say “It’s just kids, they’re coming” or to say “I’m going to leave the parenting to the birth parents and be the kids’ friend” or “I’m going to be the cool dad in their lives.” but those sayings do not solve all cases. Custody can influence any family that shows the most interest in children.

Custody does not depend on who ‘loves’ them more. Being brought in with custody issues, stay-at-home step-mothers and step-fathers should have some authority to discipline when the biological parent is at the store, work, or school. They need authority in the home to command respect and not be trampled on or fall into the hands of either birth parent during custody disputes.

It’s always easy to judge from an outside perspective and think you really wouldn’t have THAT much hands-on time. Especially when both you and your spouse work. But consider marrying someone who has a young child. They decide to run to the store, are you going to stop potty training or refuse to change a diaper or not feed them until the parent returns? Are you going to politely ask the child to listen and not draw on the walls because it is not your place to discipline when they are caught doing something wrong and let it continue? Are you going to let the stepchildren’s sibling fights get completely out of control because you don’t have the authority to make them listen to you?

For the sake of your stepchildren, I hope not. In some cases, adoptive parenthood can be wonderful. Both birth parents may be mature enough to understand that love will be found after their separation and that embracing more people who love their children is what is best for their children.

How biological parents behave:

In other cases, there is not always maturity. There is bitterness, anger, resentment or even pure hate. Separate the children and pit them against one parent or another. There could be a parent pushing and forcing their children to say or talk mean things to get custody. And when a stepfather signs up for that kind of situation, the biggest target becomes that stepfather’s back.

In my experience, Step Parenting started out pretty easy. The children quickly accepted me and loved my entire extended family. Once her birth mother realized that she was here to stay, things took a turn for the worse. Custody became an issue as things had deteriorated for the children after I arrived. And with that, foster parenting became a battlefield in my own home to demand respect, ask my husband to back my game, and reassure the kids that I wasn’t there to replace anyone.

Pick up and drop off became panic. How will the children behave today? Are they clean and excited about the week we’ve planned, or have they been forced to think that time with us is just to be mean to their mom? Is our birthday party as good as hers? Will they complain about every meal I cook vs. his mother? Will the kids be excited this holiday or will they cry again because of how sad their mom is that they’re with us? Will they mention the custody hearing and say what their mother has told them this week? How many weeks will this continue? For me, it goes in 3 years.

There are resources for blended families and custody like therapy and family counseling that can help. But if there’s no concrete team in your home, no amount of therapy can withstand the pangs of finding yourself in the middle of a situation you weren’t even a part of in the first place. Finger pointing, misbehavior, and resentment will surface in children so quickly in some of their most formative years, that it can take God’s hand and His wisdom to undo the work of bitter men and women in their lives.

I’m not saying it can’t happen, but the path to perfection when embarking on such a bumpy road seems unbearable. It may seem like there is no end in sight. It may be better to withdraw for your own good. But is not. You are the only parent, you and your spouse, who are willing to fight for what is best for them, so you must understand that there is a purpose.

We may not understand the journey. Or why the road is so rocky right now or why it’s even necessary to challenge custody, but children thrive on consistency. To be there and be a light in their lives. They will come to see it. You have to wait until you’re around to see them see it. If not, have faith that God has matched you to the person you are meant to be with. Only the two of you can take on the forces of the world together. Only the two of you can get through this literate story together. Dig through the dirt road and start building cobblestones that will guide a better path than it once was.

In the end, marrying someone is not something to be taken lightly, regardless of how society is pushing marriage to be viewed. And when children are involved, time and understanding is the only thing that will help you persevere. Especially when custody through the court is going to be at stake. Sometimes it feels like we’re wandering through the woods with no humanity in sight, but there’s always humanity outside the woods and there’s always light at the end of the tunnel.