The importance of invisible friends

Episode One: Dealing with Overwhelming Emotions

Or what you do when you feel overwhelmed by an emotion.

I closed my eyes and thought, “I need you.” I didn’t even have to click my shoes and knock three times. They were there instantly.

“Tell us,” I heard from the back.

“Before I tell you, I just want to make sure,” I told the voices. “I know you said I could call them anytime, but doesn’t talking to myself make me a little crazy?”

“Nah,” was the reply. “Kids do it all the time, but adults learn to let it go because their culture demands it of them. Talking to yourself can be extraordinarily healthy. It allows you to give yourself something you so badly need.” Psychological Air.“

“Psychological air?”

“Like when you suddenly feel overwhelmed by an emotion like the one you have right now.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, you can’t talk yourself out of feeling what you’re feeling, just like you can’t talk someone else out of feeling what they’re feeling. Instead, you have to go deeper into that emotion and find out what the emotion is trying to tell you.” . You need to bring the emotion to light and give it air. Talking to yourself can help give him that air.”

“So how does that work?”

“You know that listening process we talked about in your book? The one that helps people better understand and process their emotions?”

“Yes, it’s where instead of offering advice that might not be needed, you use questions to reflect on and understand their emotions.”

“Well, talking to yourself does the same thing, except you’re actually giving yourself the physiological air. By happy coincidence, it’s also a much better read. So why did you call?”

I took a deep breath and started. “Someone, who will remain anonymous, just said something to me that hurts a lot, makes me want to throw something away. I know that what people say about me is not about me. believe Y Reflection taught me that. I’m trying to take responsibility for my emotions as Responsibility suggests. I tried to refocus my thoughts like Approach recommends, but what do you do when someone says something so deliberately hurtful that none of it works?”

“Tell us what this person said.”

“Well, she said: ‘I’m really disappointed in you.’ He then he listed a bunch of things he had done when he was half asleep, and then he finished by saying: ‘It’s like you did it on purpose.‘.”

“And his words hurt you?”

“Yes, they were unfair. I No do it on purpose. I admitted that I was still half asleep when she needed my help. I also admit that when I’m woken up like this, I purposely try to stay groggy because it’s easier for me to go back to sleep, but someone else was awake after all. They called me to help them help her. I was in the backup. I figured everything was settled and went back to bed. But I shouldn’t have assumed that. I should have woken up more. I should have made sure her cups were full of water, turned the fan back on, didn’t leave her phone on the table. But I didn’t do it on purpose..”

“Is that why you’re so angry?”

“Usually, I can let statements like that slide. But this time it just dawned on me. I don’t know why I feel so angry. That’s why I’ve come to you.”

“Your feelings are trying to tell you something. What are they trying to tell you?”

“They are telling me that what she said was thoughtless and unfair.”

“No, what is the physical sensation?”

“A hole in my stomach,” I struggled to explain. “Like this dark ball of energy pulling me down and destroying my focus. Everything is bottled up and needs to go somewhere.”

“Why do you think she said what she said?”

“It’s his way of getting me in shape.”

“Meat the thought of the way out.”

“She’s always done that, even when we were kids. She’d blow up, tell us how unhappy we were making her, and then withdraw into herself, while we all went around on eggshells trying to make up for our failings. Eventually, she’d get over it. I know that he does it as a form of discipline. It’s his way of asking for change or getting his way.”

“When she does this, how do you react?”

“I shut down and don’t say anything because I know that anything I say will only make things worse.”

“You mean you let it sit in the pit of your stomach?”

“Quite”.

“You know what to do when people say something hurtful. We wrote a whole book about it together. You put them in context. You turn the other cheek. You try to understand what they’re really trying to communicate. You already know everything.” the logical tools necessary to deal with limiting behavior. So you need to rephrase your question. What he’s really trying to figure out is what to do when he’s got a dark ball of energy pulling him down, destroying his focus and needing to go somewhere so bad that you want to throw something away. For that you don’t need logic, you need reflection”.

“Then what do I do?”

“Listen to that hole in your stomach. Explore it. When you understand it, it will go away.”

“I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

“What are the specific words that feel unfair and create that hole in your stomach?”

“That I disappoint her, and that I did it in objective.”

“Are you sure you didn’t do it on purpose?”

“Yeah! He doesn’t even think I did it on purpose. He only said that to twist the knife.”

“So you’re really mad because she said you let her down?”

“Yes,” I replied. The dark mass in my stomach growled in agreement. “And it’s not fair for her to say such a thing.”

“Why?”

“Because it shouldn’t be my job to live up to her expectations, even if I do care about her.”

“A logical answer,” said a voice. “However, emotions are rarely logical.”

Reflection’s face came into view. “Listen to what they just said. Use the tools we’ve learned and reflect on their words so they can be heard clearly.”

Responsibility brought her together. “Look first to see if the thought empowers or limits you.”

I frowned. “Should not is a limiting word, so the thought is probably limiting.”

I saw the Explorer right behind them. “Ask yourself how thought could be limiting.” he suggests. “Ask the question and let me fly with it.”

“Okay,” I took a deep breath. The dark mass in my stomach made a gurgle. “So I said, ‘It shouldn’t be my job to live up to her expectations, even if I do care about her.’ when i look at the word should not, the word is hard to replace, so I guess it belongs there. I must have a belief that has been limiting me. It seems that I have a conflict between what feel should be and what i to think It should be. it seems to me to think that it shouldn’t be my responsibility to live up to your expectations, but you also seem to feel that it is My responsibility to live up to your expectations. I guess what really bothers me is that I’ve made my job live up to their expectations, and I don’t like the job.” As I put my discovery into words, my stomach clenched at the sight of relief.

“So now that we’ve defined the problem,” the Navigator smiled as he stepped forward. “Shall we design a strategy for the future?”

A voice yelled, “You need to clarify expectations.”

The Navigator nodded, “Your use of the word is fair,” he told me. “It seems to imply that you feel things are out of balance. Do you agree?”

“Yes,” I nodded back.

“Have you made your expectations clear to him?”

“No,” I admitted.

“Are your expectations clear to you?”

“Not really,” I thought about it. “Not in this case.”

“So the first step in our strategy should be to your to clarify its Expectations. Do you expect her to change?”

“No,” I huffed.

“Do you expect the people who help you take care of her to change?”

“No,” I huffed again.

“Do you expect it to happen again?”

“Well, since I’m not your idea of ​​perfect, I probably am.”

“Do you want to be his idea of ​​perfect?”

“Not really. But I don’t want to disappoint her either.”

“Conflict of fact”.

“So I guess my anger,” I said thoughtfully. “It has less to do with what she said and more to do with my internal conflict. Sounds good?”

“Sounds good,” he replied. “Resolve the conflict, remove the emotional trigger.”

“So how do I resolve the conflict?”

“Redefine work,” a voice called.

“What?”

Belief stepped forward. “You said, ‘I guess what really bothers me is that my job has been to meet their expectations, and I don’t like the job..’ You need to clarify your expectations of yourself. Redefine the job into one you want it to be, and then learn to live up to your own expectations. That way, her words will lose their power to hurt you and you will be able to love her as much as you love her again.”

I smiled. “You know I think you’re right.” My face scrunched up at the thought and I added, “You know, I think you’ve answered my other question as well.”

“Other questions?”

“The one about what I can do every time I feel overwhelmed by an emotion.”

“What was our response?”

My smile turned into a laugh, “I call you guys and give myself a little Psychological Air.“