Television clutters our lives with many things that we simply don’t need. As a public service, to simplify our lives, I have made a list of TV shows and channels that we can absolutely do without.
Here is the list:
meerkat mansion
Meerkats are creatures in the mongoose family that might eat a small snake or two to prove it.
Apart from Rudyard Kipling Rikki-Tikki-Tavi of the jungle book, little of interest comes from the mongoose family. I doubt a meerkat would tangle with a full-blown cobra like Riki did.
To save yourself from bordeath (that’s another one of my made up words and it means “death from boredom”), go to http://www.classicshorts.com/stories/rtt.html and read Kipling’s story. Don’t come back to this article. It doesn’t get better.
What! You come back?
Meerkats teach their young how to eat a scorpion by removing its stinger and then letting them kill it. They are very sexy and have a new batch of kittens every two months or so. Like lions, they kill young that are not of their own mating.
Carlos is a “playboy” meerkat who stars in meerkat mansion us Animal Planet. He fights and mates with all the females he finds.
That’s all anyone in their right mind would want to know about meerkats.
Are these skinny “rats” really as interesting as our human soap operas?
Probably!
I’m tired of meerkats.
They remind me of people.
If you must, learn about meerkats at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meerkat
religion television channels
I just got a call from Nate at Omaha Steaks®. I told him that yesterday I got a call from the company while I was making a chocolate cake for my grandchildren in Idaho. Also, they called me last week.
I didn’t need steaks, so I asked about the weather, hoping it would be colder in Omaha than it was in balmy southern Idaho. It was and that made me feel good. I prefer other people to suffer from the cold.
I told Nate, who called me often, that it was below forty degrees here yesterday, an Idaho heat wave, and I didn’t need a coat.
He was very jealous and said that he would give his right leg for such a mild climate.
It was zero in Omaha, and my mother in law lives there!
Let’s see, religion channels.
Why do I have to pay the cable company for these channels?
All they want is more of my money.
When I block out the Spanish channels, the religion channels, four out of five news channels, and the C-span channels, I’m left with nothing.
I’m ripping myself off!
I guess some people like to be glued to a religion channel. One channel would be enough if it was on only between 1:00 am and 4:00 am every other Sunday.
I told you not to come back to this article. There is nothing better!
The TV Guide® channel
I hate this channel and the brainless twirps that never go away.
The worst are Joan Rivers and her daughter, Melissa, and their red-carpet chatter with celebrities I don’t know about Adam (“chatter” is another of my new words).
They just reviewed issue 1000. What a waste!
I will say this for Joan Rivers: she is the only success I have ever seen in plastic surgery.
Watch it at http://www.tv.com/tracking/viewer.html?tid=97363&ref_id=1064&ref_type=104
Madison Michelle is on the TV Guide® channel. If you flip her name, you will have her real name. Smart girl that Michelle! See clips of her at http://www.tvguide.com/detail/celebrity.aspx?tvobjectid=215450&more=ucshowairings
I couldn’t find a good photo of MM but I did find photos of the “real” MM at http://www.art.com/asp/display-asp/_/ID–4569/marilyn_monroe.htm?ui=70DF24B185E849D4AFFE3B2DAC9BD23D
With so much clutter on the TV Guide® channel, it’s almost impossible for an old man like me to know what’s going on on the other channels. With our cable company, which claims to love us, there are two blinking channel listings at the bottom of the page instead of the full page we used to have.
Old people are easily distracted and always miss what we are looking for. So when that happens, we have to wait and wait for the channel guide to show up again.
I emailed the cable company asking for my old full page TV show back, but they ignored it.
They don’t really love us.
I’m going for a plate!
texas hold’em
As I said in one of my popular articles on http://www.ezinemagazine.com, poker is NOT a sport, so keep it off the sports and travel channels and put it where it belongs: on the religion channels.
There is nothing quite as tedious as poker shows on TV. They are surpassed by billiards, bowling, and wrestling. Of course, curling buries them six feet deep.
Hears! I liked Canadian football before our football lobby cut them off.
How dare Canadians have a more exciting game than ours?
Cooking programs
Now really, how many fucking cooking shows do we need?
I say we stick with Rachel Ray, who can’t bake, and leave it at that.
(Her sister can bake, but thank goodness she doesn’t have a show.)
Don’t get tired of, “Now we’ll let it simmer for a while” during the Polident® commercial, and “Ummmm!”
Rachel has her own big show now. Read about it on her colorful site: http://www.rachaelrayshow.com/
travel shows
Travel shows come in a variety of guises, sometimes showing us the yachts, houseboats, and homes of the rich. There is nothing more exhilarating than taking a yacht tour with a wealthy matron who is absolutely bored. Each of our guest ladies has her own solid gold bidet.
I learned a thing at one of those yacht shows. They buy the big yacht that they soon get bored with and can’t offload it at a profit, so they keep it. But do they sail it across the ocean?
Nope!
They have their captain sail across the rough Atlantic to the Mediterranean. They fly off, ride their boat in the Mediterranean, and then fly home leaving the captain to face the rough seas again.
Great economy when they could rent a yacht in almost any port in the world!
Let’s stay with Samantha Brown.
Samantha can be sexy. See her photo at http://www.emediawire.com/prfiles/2005/11/27/315687/SamanthaBrown.jpg
news channels
A good news channel would suffice. The existing channels should be called Old News Channels because they play the same stories copied from other news channels over and over again, even the newsroom.
If there’s a big story, I go on MSNBC to see what’s going on. With the other channels, sometimes I have to guess.
movie channels
The general rule of thumb is that you get a good movie with commercials every two minutes or a bad movie with no commercials (where a commercial break would be welcome).
Okay, there are exceptions, but you have to look for them, but don’t try to if you have cable and that damn TV Guide channel. (Look in the newspaper. After taking a course at your local college on Interpretation of television schedules from newspapers in your area you may be able to find a movie that your cable company carries – a great possibility).
Expect! My wife had a question. “If we skip that list of yours, what are we going to see?”
I told him: “Read a book!”
She said: “What is this in my hand, a tomato?”
I was going to mention the channels in Spanish but you already got the idea.
Bye!
Marilyn Monroe, Madison Meredith, television, news channels, religion channels, Samantha Brown, Rachel Ray, Joan Rivers