“Because you have been a defense of the helpless, a defense of the needy in their anguish, a refuge from the storm, a shadow from the heat; because the breath of the ruthless is like a storm against the wall.” Isaiah 25: 3

There are days when it feels like the battle is endless, when assaults on your reputation and credibility come from all sides. So you should know this: no matter what your enemies and detractors say, you have a Defender who knows and sees everything. You can strengthen yourself by knowing that you are never alone as you go on this often lonely journey.

However, even if you hold on to that truth, there will be times when you will thirst for a word of compassion and validation from someone with your skin on.

When you’re desperate for a kind, supportive word, don’t be surprised if the dam of containment finally breaks. A lot of painful history can come out of you without disinfecting, and your stories can be shocking and difficult for others to receive. Those who have never lived with abuse may doubt that a relationship can be that horrible. Additionally, while her intentions are good and she kept her abuser secrets out of a sense of loyalty, the perception of their relationship that she helped create may compel those she might have counted as allies to find her revelations too extraordinary to believe.

Rather than share his burden with you, I am saddened to say that some in your circle may back away as you bare your soul, and perhaps even pile more guilt on you for not doing enough. You may be seen as a bitter woman, a liar, or a gossip. The depth of loneliness and the feeling of betrayal you might face as a result of skepticism from your confidants can be truly devastating.

But those lukewarm responses don’t change what you know to be true. If you wait for the approval of others to do what you must to get your life back, it may never happen. You know the truth about your story, and that is your highest defense, whether there are others who are willing to validate you in it or not.

So what can you do?

First, measure what you share. Test the waters and see if your audience is receptive. If not, don’t waste time investing where you can’t anticipate a return.

Second, trust your own experience. Cut deep when friends don’t support you, but their ignorance or callousness doesn’t alter the truth.

Third, continue to behave according to what you think is right. Don’t let the biased perspective of others rule the decisions that you just have to live with. This is your Life. Base your decisions on the truth, uphold your convictions, trust your God-given instincts, and act according to the peace you have.

Then there is the question of what to say to your children, knowing that a battle for their hearts and minds could negatively affect them all. It is tempting to explain your actions to them in depth or to verbally destroy your father when the opportunity presents itself. In general, I would say that the priority should be to assure your children of your love and devotion for them by avoiding details. They don’t need to see all the dirty laundry that has accumulated around you over the years. Find a friend or confidant with whom you can process your emotions rather than take it out on your children. That is not a role to be expected to fulfill.

On the other hand, however, your children should be free to talk to you about their fears and feelings (if you can handle it without becoming toxic) or perhaps give them the opportunity to meet with a professional child counselor to allow them to process their own hurts. Listening well and validating their experiences is as important to them as it is to you. But if you take every opportunity to criticize your estranged spouse, your children may soon learn to avoid talking to you about their relationship with them. If you want to keep the lines of communication open, try not to damage them.

I know how difficult it can be to hold your tongue and remember well those days when my children’s father worked hard to buy them pizza and ice cream, movies, outings, and gifts. My job was to stand my ground, to make our home a safe place where they knew they would be loved and accepted, even if they were expected to complete their chores and duties. I trusted that in time they would see the healthy contrast between the life we ​​share and the one their father had chosen, and they finally did. The man continued to poison his own well and, over the course of several years, he alone destroyed his relationships with our four children.

I told my children that they could ask me any questions they had, recognizing that their father could feed them a diet of lies and half-truths about me during their time with him. In anticipation of that, I planned in advance how I wanted to deal with those situations. So when my children came home confused and upset by their father’s accusations, they asked to speak in private. They didn’t want to believe the things their father had told them, but they also didn’t want to believe that he was lying. He listened and calmly tried to give a more objective and minimal answer, not calling his father a liar, but offering them my perspective and the freedom to decide what to believe. Even acknowledging some of my flaws, I don’t think it was difficult for them to trust me because they saw that my values ​​and my priorities were being lived every day.

However, when pressed, staying quiet can be challenging. At one point, my angry teenage son confronted me in the presence of a counselor. He claimed that my decision to divorce his father was unbiblical and insisted that we could have a happy family if he allowed his father to come home. He could have drawn the curtain to reveal all the bad things I had endured during my years with his father. Doing so might have satisfied a desire in me to expose the man, but it would also have imposed on my own a load of knowledge that was not his to carry. So I just explained to him that the actions he had taken were based on what he believed was best for our family. Raising his voice, he tried to antagonize and shame me into giving in to his demand, hoping that I would offer a worthy defense for my actions or agree to take back his father. Instead, I calmly looked him in the eye and refused to reveal anything else. In time, to his regret, he discovered the truth about his father’s character without an explanation from me. Did I handle all situations perfectly? Hell no. Sometimes I said too much and sometimes I even tried to make his father look better than he was. Finding a healthy balance is not always easy, so the best we can do is keep working on it.

As for those dear friends who are willing to listen and encourage you, receive their validation and encouragement so that you can begin to release some of the pain and anger that you carry. Let them help you heal. Purging is a necessary part of the process, but as time goes on, you don’t want your pain to define you. The goal is to leave the past behind so that you can move on to a new life free from abuse.

As you trudge through this sometimes exhausting process, remember that you are not obligated to defend yourself or prove to anyone what has happened or what you are trying to do. Some will graciously approach your side and support you in every way possible, while others may never understand or validate you and even, in their ignorance, judge you. Remember that God knows the truth about your life and trust that your children will be able to see who you are by the way you live, even if it takes them some time to get there. Give them the freedom to choose what they believe and who they want to emulate.

Ultimately, God is your defender, and the honorable life you live before Him will be the only defense you need. Do not be ashamed and do not feel compelled to offer a defense where it will not be received. Then keep your head up as you walk in the light of truth.

I will rejoice and be glad in your mercy, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the anguish of my soul, and have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have put my feet in a spacious place. . ” Psalm 31: 7-8

Amen.

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