Often when you are separated and you feel like your spouse is avoiding or rejecting you, then you can tell yourself that you would be extremely happy just by seeing or talking to them. So you can participate in a campaign to make this happen, asking about a face-to-face meeting every time you speak. Because it can sometimes take a while for this to happen successfully, it is understandable that you can develop the importance of this in your own mind. So when your estranged husband finally agrees to meet up, but emphasizes that he wants to keep things casual, it can lead to a bit of confusion and disappointment.

Someone could explain: “During the first weeks of our separation, my husband did not even take my calls. I finally managed to get him to talk to me, but it was clear that he was not interested in seeing me face to face. I accepted this because I knew it had taken so long to establish communication I didn’t want to put this in jeopardy. We talk quite regularly now. And I’m grateful for these conversations. But they are not enough for me. I want to see my husband. I want to have physical contact with him. I want to hug him and be hugged back and maybe a little more. I’ve repeatedly asked him to meet me. He always tried to change the subject. Yesterday, I finally got him to agree to meet me for coffee. I told him maybe we could make a day, but he said feels more comfortable just hanging out and then “hanging out.” I didn’t say anything other than my thought was that you were hanging out with your friends and your buddies, but not your spouse. Or wondering if he’s just keeping me going Hanging out isn’t something you really do with someone you love, is it? “

I know this disappoints you because I know how we can tend to build things up in our minds during our separations. We are alone and scared and we think the worst. We want to have a romantic dinner. We want the outing to last all day. We want to spend time together that makes things so much better that we can finally have the confidence that everything will work out. That’s why the whole “hanging out” thing can be so disappointing to us. We can worry that this meeting will not give us what we want or need.

But I can tell you that accepting the little things they give you can be a great strategy. Because it allows you to grab a toe that you can build on. And frankly, “hanging out” and just having a good time together can be just as powerful as a more “formal” romantic outing.

Every time you can just relax and laugh with your estranged spouse, you’ve made a profit. And “hanging out” can help keep things informal and ensure that the situation is kept down. This is vital. Because many times when we are separated and we put too much pressure on things. And this pressure can cause some discomfort and some disappointment, which is the opposite of what you want.

One of your goals should be to create some momentum. And one of the most effective ways to do that is to start small and build. Your day of hanging out can go so well that it leads to something else. Sometimes when you are apart, you have to embrace small steps. Just focus on the next conversation and the next meeting because you don’t want to look too far ahead. You don’t want to apply too much pressure.

I know that hanging out may seem like a downward step to you, but it can actually be a wonderful first step. I would embrace it and do my best to keep things as casual and upbeat as possible. Because doing so is more likely to lead to more frequent and perhaps longer meetings. The idea is that you keep repeating this until you see your spouse regularly and it always goes well for both of you to look forward to it.

Sure, hanging out is a small step. But don’t see this as a disappointment. See it as an opportunity. It is giving you your first chance to build on something. And sometimes that’s all it takes to start a reconciliation.