Oh, New York. Unlike anywhere else in the world. The ridiculously expensive shops, the top-notch entertainment, the VIP nightlife, the constant energy and distractions… a huge playground for high-salaried adult-child whose sense of age and aging would make Ponce think of Leon that there is definitely something in the water.
Now, I know that it’s not just New York that has slowed down the aging process. Haven’t you heard? Across the country, 40 is the new 30, 30 is the new 20, and 20 is the new… ok, wait a minute… Anyway, you’re right: more people everywhere are opting for graduate degrees. , delaying marriage, living longer, etc.
But there is something in New York that is different. by feeling A sense of control over one’s child-adult transition, timing, and destiny. The belief that you can be a kid for as long as you want until the day you decide (if you do, we all know people who never make this decision) that you’re done playing games and now you’d like to be real life. , certifiable adult. An official “Adult”. Until then though, there are plenty of trees you’d like to climb and even bars you’d like to frequent. And, like all Gotham City residents[1] As you know, there will always be a plentiful and constant supply of other Lost Boys more than willing to play with you. It doesn’t matter if you are 21, 31 or 51.
And you may wonder why it’s anyone’s business when you think about growing up. Who says you can’t leave until 3 in the morning or can’t have 4 shots of tequila, as long as you get to work on time the next day, it really isn’t a problem. You do the job. And well done.
It is perhaps not anyone’s place to judge the often hedonistic and incredibly social lives we lead in New York, certainly not mine. But all I can tell you, from the countless conversations I have with single New Yorkers (do you like that as a synonym for “single?”), is that when it comes to relationships, this false sense of eternal youth can actually be very dangerous for New York singles…
Dangerous? Yes, dangerous. More than Barney’s Store Sale. As always, I will give more details.
New Yorkers tend to be high achievers with salaries commensurate with momentum. They tend to take care of themselves and have the money often required to look good and younger. They tend to have active social calendars and aren’t sitting on the couch watching reruns when they could easily be at a gallery opening, a new culinary spot, or a friend’s penthouse party. So when you’re looking good, feeling good, and have more invitations to events than you could ever attend, dates scheduled than you can possibly keep track of, or connections replaying nicely in your mind than you care to admit, it’s easy. get lost for a while deformation. But often when an outgoing single finally realizes that they are tired of the “carefree” single life (was there/did that) and wouldn’t mind some worries (kids, a house, etc.) it is often in a point where so much valuable time has passed that either Jane or Joe Single suddenly look in the mirror and exclaim “Holy *%!@*! How did I get here?”
This phenomenon is extremely common among New York women, but men certainly aren’t immune (more on that in a bit). Everywhere else in the country (except Los Angeles or maybe one or two other urban areas) a single 30-year-old woman is considered a virtual spinster. Here, no one looks askance at a group of 30-year-old “hotties” in town looking to meet guys; they are actually considered to be in their prime dating age. However, as you can imagine, fast forward 6, 7 or 8 years (yes, they go by fast) and many of these same girls are very eager to get married. Sure, they had a blast hanging out casually, hanging out with the guys who weren’t right for them, and possibly partying their fair share. Or maybe they’re “detached” because they resisted Mr. Right until they realized Mr. Right doesn’t exist. Or maybe it’s because they were completely focused on excelling in their careers and it seemed like there was all the time in the world to think about having babies. But now they realize that the window to having a family is closing a little more each day. Often these women look great for their age (like many women in Manhattan) and don’t feel old in any way. But they have realized that, unfortunately, the human biological clock was not specifically set for Eastern Standard Time. And, for many of these women, dating is no longer just dating. It has become a research process fraught with expectations, disappointment, and frustration.
And, of course, the reality of Big Ben does not go unnoticed by men either. Yes, the men tell me, they want to get married and have children. But not tomorrow. “She is [x] years? She must want to have children since yesterday. I want to be dating the person I’m going to marry for at least a year. So I want to be engaged for a year. So I want to be married for at least two or three years before having children. So what is she going to do about having kids in [insert age]? My limit is 36”. And you thought only women had these timelines in their heads! I literally had a conversation that went exactly like this the other day with a guy I never dreamed would have such a set schedule with.
If women could hear the things I hear. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, ladies, but being in the know helps me convey information that can hopefully make all the difference in the dating decisions of some daring single sisters. Message to Women: You don’t want to be a Paula Pan.
But before you get too smug, guys, know that Peter Pan isn’t all that hot either. Many women are skeptical of a guy of 40, 45, 48, etc. and he never married and some women I know even refuse to be introduced to “those guys”. To them, it’s a major indicator of skeletons in the closet, commitment phobia, and/or general lack of attractiveness. Maybe there are enough women who will overlook it, but there are plenty who won’t.
And then there’s the “capable parent” issue. I met a 51-year-old guy who told me that he still wants to have children and that he only wants to meet women who are 37 and under. I tried to explain to him that most 37 year old women don’t want their husbands on Depends when their kids are in college. Of course I conveyed the message more sensitively (didn’t take him on as a client by the way)… that was a year ago and he’s still single and one year closer to his senior discount. But he wouldn’t budget for age, he would consider dating a woman with children or consider adopting. And for what it’s worth, let me remind my readers, his sperm isn’t immune to wrinkles, either. See my blog Don’t Shoot the Messenger Part II (May 2009) for more on this. You have to wonder: why the hell did this guy wait so long? Because he drank the Kool-Aid, of course. [2]
Ironically, these same New Yorkers who are super driven and focused on their careers/social lives frequently take a laissez-faire approach when it comes to their love lives and often drop the ball altogether. In fact, these singles think that if they just show up to a large number of social events per month, they’ve done what they needed to do and Mr. or Miss. Right will magically show up. You wouldn’t network for a high-end law firm or a bank job at a local pub or fail to start preparing a pitch to attract a major account until an hour before your meeting, so why would one assume that can he or she take a comparably unfocused approach? approach to find a life partner? It seems like an obvious statement, but singles need to think strategically about dating. If they were to take a more focused approach to meeting their potential future partners (either through the experience of a service or just engaging in more deliberate dating in general), they would probably find that they can avoid Captain Hook of Neverland from dating.
New York is a wonderful city and it’s a lot of different things to a lot of different people, but it’s not a children’s fairy tale. And most would say that’s a good thing… after all, growing up isn’t such a bad thing.
[1] Have you ever wondered how New York got its nickname? It was apparently “first used by Washington Irving and others in the Salmagundi Papers, with a satirical reference to Gotham, England, where wise men acted foolishly to avoid paying maintenance to the king.” See http://www.answers.com/topic/gotham-new-york-city (also addresses the Batman reference).
[2] I imagine most readers know the unfortunate backstory of this now-common expression, but for the curious, answers can be found at the ever-informative Urban Dictionary site. See http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=drink+the+kool-aid.