When my kids were growing up, they worked their way through an impressive collection of pets. In our house, humans were generally outnumbered. We had to keep the animals happy and well fed… or else.
My children had a home away from home – it was the local pet store. If you wanted a shark, a frog, a snake, a lizard, a cat, a dog, a sheep or a horse, this place could help you. Rodents, insects, reptiles, and amphibians—he had everything for sale except single-celled organisms.
One day as my kids and I were lining up to make our latest purchase (was it a hairless rat or a newt, I forgot), I noticed a large barrel overflowing with an array of chew toys. You know the type; those rawhide bones and donuts and knuckles and chewy sticks that dogs love to chew on. Then, as my eyes drifted to the right, I saw one of the most disgusting sights ever seen by me or any other upright vertebrate.
Pig ears.
A big barrel of them. The real thing. Harvested from real pigs. (Post mortem, I’d guess.) Twisted, mummified, and dried triangles of cartilage, made from premium pork, naturally smoked for irresistible flavor. For some inexplicable reason, I was drawn to the barrel to take a closer look, hoping I was wrong, that somehow these hideous artifacts were actually synthetic facsimiles made by the man of the real deal. But it was at that moment that my worst fears came true. I took one.
The ears were hairy.
Yes, delicate tufts of pig hair still sprouted from each pig’s ear, and it occurred to me that it was highly unlikely that these hairs were carefully implanted one by one by underpaid artisans in some Third World sweatshop. Now it was undeniable. Real pig body parts for sale at our favorite pet store. Enjoyed by the most discerning canines everywhere! Delicious, nutritious and satisfying – chewy, fluffy pig ears!
This “lovely” memory was triggered the other morning when I looked at my face in the bathroom mirror while shaving. As the light reflected off the top of my shiny bald head, I realized that hair was growing out of my ears. It was then that I was struck by the cruelest of ironies: the same biological process that is responsible for male pattern baldness causes unwanted hair to appear on other parts of the anatomy. It’s almost as if the amount of hair on the body remains constant, it just changes location. Back, shoulders, inside the nose, outside the nose and yes, you guessed it: the ears.
Fortunately, guys have a variety of options. Ear hair can be shaved, plucked, waxed, or removed with electricity. Bottom line: I had to deal with it. Denial is not an option, at least not for me. The only alternative is to leave the house every morning like a lynx in a three-piece suit.
Now, I’m not really complaining about unwanted hair. After all, it is a relatively common phenomenon for many men. However, I don’t agree with all the guys who consciously or unconsciously decide not to exercise their options. It’s a distraction. It’s annoying. It’s unsightly. They are not blind. Don’t these guys have a mirror? Maybe they are so preoccupied with other things that they don’t notice their appearance.
I wonder if they have someone in their life who gives them clues, sends them an email, gives them a trimmer for their birthday? Wait until they fall asleep and chase them with a pair of tweezers. I don’t think I’m worried about hair follicles going rogue, but I do notice them. I guess it’s my attention to detail. Whether they sprout as a pig or as a person, I’m pretty bummed about the ear hairs.
Now to the point.
No matter how you cut (or shave) it, it’s irrational and ineffective to choose a professional based on whether or not you keep your ear hair under control. However, I have found myself doing just that. I realized that despite my strong reputation as an objective adviser and builder of professional A-level equipment, I have found myself vulnerable to making snap judgments about people based on the appearance of their ears.
Intellectually, I know it’s ridiculous to fire a person for having fuzzy ears. After all, Albert Einstein was a poorly groomed individual. Take a look at the photographs of Dr. Einstein; he had a jungle in his ears and the hairs on his nose grew into his mustache. The guy obviously had bigger ideas to ponder. Who knows, if Einstein had spent more time grooming himself, his Theory of Relativity would never have come to fruition.
A fuzzy-eared colleague and friend of mine, let’s call him Bill, is an investment banker and graduated from Harvard Law School. The man has an impressive track record and great time credentials. One day at lunch, Bill was complaining that people weren’t taking him as seriously as he’d like. He sat there complaining about how taller and handsomer men get more respect, even though he was better educated (presumably smarter) and had a lot of experience in his field.
As Bill talked, I couldn’t help but notice his (you guessed it) ears. They seemed hairier than usual. His hairs seemed to be growing as he spoke, like a time-lapse photograph. To make matters worse, Bill also had a nasty tear in the crotch of his pants. No, I was NOT looking at his crotch. My eyes caught the bright white of his briefs peeking through a split seam in his dark gray pants. It was like a flash of neon; I couldn’t help noticing.
Since Bill really wanted my opinion, I decided to offer my opinion. Maybe it could help you improve his performance and possibly reduce his hellish whining.
“People’s taste is not taken into account,” I told him. “People value things and other people based on a variety of factors. That range of factors runs the gamut from the very well reasoned and rational to the extremely unreasonable and irrational.”
I asked Bill if he had ever consulted with a professional stylist, someone who could advise him on wardrobe and grooming. He replied: “No, I don’t need anyone like that.” I told him that every two years I hired a stylist to help me with such matters. So I said, “If you change your mind, let me know and I’ll recommend someone.” Bill’s response was resolute: “Well, that’s highly unlikely to happen.” As he glared at him in frustration, he could have sworn one of his nose hairs grew a quarter of an inch.
Bill complained about how business owners often dismiss him out of hand, even though he is immensely competent, trustworthy, and effective in driving positive investment banking-related results. Instead, they choose the smartly groomed “pretty boy” wearing the $5,000 suit, only to find out later that he didn’t achieve the desired result. After losing several precious months, wasting a lot of money, and suffering great emotional anxiety, will these clients admit to themselves that they made a bad decision?
Unfortunately, there are endless opportunities to choose an advisor who just talks but doesn’t. All sizzling and no steak. Most of the time, the second time is no better than the first. Why is this the case so often? Why is it so hard for some of us to align with HAWPS, or at least learn from our mistakes?
You could say my friend Bill suffered from a debilitating lack of self-awareness. He tried bitterly to make sense of his dilemma: “Maybe clients will reject me and my advice because I’m too honest with them. Or recapitalize.”
Bill continued, “My competition downplays all of this. They present a nicer picture, easier experience, and lower estimated cost. By contrast, my view looks overly expensive and time consuming. The competition won’t guarantee the desired result, but they certainly imply that if they are chosen, success is almost guaranteed, plus it will be less expensive and easier.”
Bill had a good point. Most people prefer easier and less expensive. After all, the path of least resistance often seems more attractive than a more difficult and expensive journey. Bill and I had collaborated in the past, and I reminded him of the many successes we share with our clients. Invariably, they were business owners or management teams that were well above average in knowledge and business acumen. Conscious and experienced people have a broader and deeper perspective and are much less likely to fall into the “easier and cheaper” trap. I observed that most of the time Bill “won the beauty contest” as long as the client was sufficiently developed and therefore more capable of making a rational and well-reasoned choice. The funny thing is that these experienced and insightful customers never had a problem with Bill’s ears.
It was pretty obvious to me that Bill was in denial about his appearance and therefore unwilling to polish himself up to improve his chances at “the beauty pageant” for new clients. So I suggested that he write a book that helps business owners and management teams gain a better understanding of the details, expense, and time associated with making their business more sellable, transferable, or investment-worthy. That would probably be the most effective, as it would educate potential customers and improve their discernment. Bill’s attention to detail, his comprehensive understanding, wisdom, and courage would be clearly articulated and contrasted with those less capable “nice people” with their hollow promises of “easier and cheaper.” And the hair in his ear could be airbrushed from the photo of him on the book jacket.
When I suggested this to him, he agreed that it was a great idea. He later said, “Once I graduated from law school, I vowed that I would never write an article or a thesis again, so there was no way I would ever write a book again.”
I watched as his nose hair grew another quarter of an inch.
Albert Einstein, the hairiest of geniuses, offered this bit of wisdom: “One definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing expecting a different result.” Well, without putting his wisdom on paper and sharing it with the world, Hairy-eared Bill is destined to bang his head against the same wall, over and over again, losing one beauty pageant after another to competitors whose integrity, abilities and intellects are far inferior to his. But Bill’s fluffy ears were never really the problem. It’s what’s between his ears that he counts the most. So, of course, what we actually do with vital information and sage advice is a major factor in all important aspects of our lives, businesses, and relationships.