I’d like to think that with nearly 5 million divorces in the UK since the 1980s (around 150,000 per year) we’d be starting to hear stories of what worked and what didn’t when a couple went through their separation. I would like to see a culture of sharing wisdom with the next generation; knowledge that filters down to men, women, families, and attorneys on how best to navigate the divorce process. I would like to read in magazines and blogs stories of couples who put their children and everyone’s well-being at the center of their decision to move from nuclear to extended family and actually made the subsequent life changes with ease and sense of control and empowerment.

So far, I don’t really see that information reaching the mainstream media, however, I am meeting more and more couples who want a respectful separation and co-parenting relationship that works well into the future.

They agree that living together is not getting the best out of them or their children

They don’t want to spend £5000 – £25,000 in joint attorney and solicitor fees when a divorce can simply be mediated and prosecuted profitably (and with the fees saved they can each vacation for a week in the sun!)

Here are the top 3 tips on how to go through a peaceful divorce process:

1. Reject the myth of ‘divorce as a battle’

Choosing to separate because a marriage is no longer the best working model for a partnership or for parenthood can be very liberating. The traditional model is one of conflict and battle and even when a couple can see the point of divorce, often at the point when each has hired a lawyer to ‘protect their best interests’, the subtle suggestions of ‘you might get plus; you have been mistreated; their children could be taken away’ will lead to panic, guilt and more legal fees.

A more peaceful and up-to-date way to get a divorce is to plan a series of conversations (perhaps difficult at first, but they get easier) based on the concept of “more for all and less for none.” A couple and their children (of the appropriate age) can participate in these. Over several weeks and months, a clear and respectful plan and time frame begins to develop. Once it is defined for everyone and everyone agrees, only then is the formal paperwork and reasons passed on to a family lawyer to appear in court.

2. Manage your expectations: commit 6 months to the process

The right mindset from the start is the trick to getting a divorce peacefully and in a reasonable amount of time. There can be a lot of mediated group conversations and 1-2-1 during this time; each helps clarify the wisest arrangements for both parties regarding children, living arrangements, finances, work, training (if one parent requires additional support to improve skills and work for more income in the future), separation of possessions, vacations, pensions and future flexibility to renegotiate the terms.

Will the transition be painful? – It’s different for everyone, but probably. Keep in mind that it will ease over time (especially if couples prioritize compassion) and then staying in an unsatisfying marriage for another 1-5 years before reaching this point creates prolonged pain anyway.

3. Trust that conscientious co-parenting is best for your children

Children sense the tension in a home, even if they can’t put it into words. They may end up being emotionally better in the long run once their parents agree to step up, communicate, and make some changes. It may be that, through some mediated conversations, new skills and knowledge are learned and a marriage takes a new chance at life and everyone is happier (it happens!); and it could also be that parting ways with the best interests of the children at the center of the changes also brings similar happiness over time.

Surely this is not a simple topic and relationships are different for everyone. Life is long and it’s a good start to reconfirm that you have many choices about what the future can look like.