It can be so painful and unnerving when your stepson or stepdaughter starts to be mean to you. It’s especially difficult when things were going well and you thought things were going well. It’s hard not to react negatively, but you know that if you do, things will start to spiral downward. Then not only that relationship will be affected, but also the relationship with your husband. Get yourself some space and consider some of these possibilities that could help you get to the bottom of your petty behavior:

• Have there been any recent changes in the family? If you have just moved in together, or have recently married (or if there is a change on the other side of the family, with the ex), then you need to give your stepson some slack and allow him some time to do so. adjust. We often expect too much of children, thinking that if the change in life is good (by our standards, anyway), they should “jump on board.” They might even be testing you to see how you react when their behavior isn’t perfect.

• Have you entered a new stage in your life? Adolescents and adolescents are experiencing significant internal adjustments and emotional upheaval. Don’t take personally what may simply be a reflection of your inner state of mind. Many parents of teenagers have been taken aback when a monster seems to take over the body of their little darling. If you find yourself in the unfortunate position of getting close to a child who is going through this difficult phase of life, buckle up for what could be a long trip!

• Consider whether you have been asking too many questions, especially prying about what is going on in the “other house,” or hoping that your stepson or stepdaughter will share his or her most intimate feelings with you. Be aware that they can be very sensitive to the slightest hint of judgment against their other parent. Give it some space and focus instead on listening to what is being freely shared (even the smallest things).

• Any child who has been through the divorce of their parents has a lot to process regarding the breakdown of their main family. It ranks as one of the defining events of their lives, and it is too much to hope that they can articulate what is happening with them about it, or that they are willing to share with you. And if there is a conflict between your parents / stepparents, then you can assume that there is a lot of confusion within them, which may very well stem from malicious comments towards you, such as the “throwaway” parent.

• Look at the relationship between your stepson and your spouse. Your stepchild may not get the closeness or attention he feels he needs, and you may become the scapegoat. Instead of trying to be there all the time, you may find that your relationship with your stepson (and your spouse!) Improves by giving the two of you a little space to spend your own time together. Then when he returns to the scene, he is not seen as “on the road”. No matter how long you are in the family picture, the parent / child relationship must also nurture itself.

• Be as friendly as you can, without being overbearing (you may be falling into the trap that many stepparents make by trying to be super stepparents). Prepare yourself emotionally before you see them, so you can be relaxed and friendly, rather than being controlling or expecting closeness. If they were mean to you last time, you can draw a clear line about expecting respectful behavior, but then put any resentment aside!

• Try to cheer up. Write at least one positive thing every day this week about your stepson or stepdaughter and let them know what you appreciate about them: name the virtue or characteristic that you appreciate and describe the behavior you have seen. Observe the little positive interactions and build on them.

You will need to connect with your stepchild on your terms, until sufficient trust develops. It takes patience; The process of building a successful reconstituted family takes a long time; in fact, years. And it takes maturity on your part. You will need to learn that delicate balance between “holding the line” so your stepchild doesn’t get his way with rude behavior and “letting go” while building a positive connection. Remember that they are watching to see if you will really be there for them and accepting them for who they are, while at the same time requiring the respect they want for themselves.